Hey, y’all! It’s been a minute!
I’ve truly missed Care{Free}Bri and the community this blog has built. But as I've learned, sometimes wanting to do something isn’t enough to fuel you to actually do it.
This past year away from Care{Free}Bri has been something else, to say the least. After going several months without a job at the beginning of the pandemic, all the energy I put into “staying productive” and “making the most out of the pandemic” suddenly fell flat. The things that usually pulled me out of my funk stopped working. Being around my family no longer did much to help me. Depression just grabbed me by the throat and threw my whole body around; I became quieter and barely moved throughout the days.
I didn’t expect depression to crash on me the way it did. I didn’t expect to crash at all. No amount of positivity and self-care could save me from finally experiencing the negative impacts of the pandemic that I had tried so hard to avoid. Some things in life you just can’t avoid. They’ll catch up with you either way.
I stopped writing and retreated within myself.
If this were any other year, I would be able to use people and activities to help me climb my way out of that dark place. But it was 2020, and none of that was an option anymore. So, isolating myself became way too easy. I stayed to myself for so long that coming outside always seemed like some special event or instance, something to get anxious and worrisome about.
I don’t know what it is. I love to write. It’s how I express myself and translate the energy of the world around me. But even through expression, exhaustion can be enough to shut all of that down. I definitely did shut down. Even when I finally got a job, finally returned to Chicago after spending the summer in Bloomington with my parents, finally survived Fall, and even made it past the holidays, I still found myself at the bottom of this huge, depressing pit.
I was there for a while, but I knew I couldn’t rush the way I felt. You can’t rush your way out of depression for the sake of convenience. At the same time, life waits for no one. Since they're both a constant, finding that balance between discouragement and drive is what really counts. I believe writing helps me sort things out as I try to find this balance, which is how I found my way back to this blog. Writing gives me balance and sharing it provides a much-needed connection with others.
So, where have I been? I’ve been in bed, on the couch, in my room, at my place of residence, away from the world and the people I care about, waiting for the chance to ride my waves of sadness to shore instead of drowning out in the deep. I know I can't wait forever for the waters to be perfect, but I’ve finally caught the right wave (however small) to bring me to land, to do what makes me feel alive once again.
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