I don't know what else to say, except that I'm mentally exhausted.
This is the first time in weeks that I've been able to bring myself to write on my own platform. Probably because I'm literally always writing now. I write for my job, edit things for the orgs I'm involved in, proofread documents and papers on behalf of family and friends. When it comes to my pen, I'm doing any and everything for everyone else; just, not for me.
At the end of the day, after barely making my professional writing goals, the last thing on my mind is finishing my novel, or writing poetry, or even writing for this blog. It's not that these things have suddenly become some sort of burden—it's that I barely have the brainpower to even think of them.
It's pretty scary, actually, because I've finally gotten what I've wanted all along, and yet I'm still depressed, anxious, tired. I'm mindlessly typing as I go, because I'm just that good at writing, and that good at putting thoughts to paper. So, if something is holding me back from doing this very thing, even if that "thing" is writing itself, you know it's doing a number on my brain.
Even with this, the reason I was finally able to return to my blog and my novel and other personal projects, is because I was reminded that I can't just wait for things to get better. I have to make them better myself.
I don't intend to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" or "get a grip". I only intend to take what little I have—little energy, little creative motivation, little direction—and mold it. If I can just get started, I know things will come together. My circumstances don't make me any less capable or miraculous at what I do; they only make my space for doing so more narrow. It takes me more everything to get up and create, but once I start, just start, things come together from there. They always do.
I owe it to myself to keep at it, even when my tank is on E. I don't have to stretch myself too thin to do it. All I have to do is reach for the things I want, and let my abilities, passion, and creations do the rest. I'm getting out of my own way, and giving myself a hand instead. You'll see me around.
Comentarios