No, this ain't about a lil situationship I got going on or a lil boo I see for "appointments" (if you know what I mean). This ain't that!
Yes, this is about me as a single woman living in Chicago. But, more importantly, this is about my relationship with myself while I'm by myself.
Society has portrayed being single as some sort of sentence for those who are deemed unfavorable, fragile, or damaged. It's been used to define worth of "usefulness", since it's assumed that one can't contribute to society to the same extent as a couple or household can.
I myself have been officially single for about 8 years, engaging in on-and-off "talking stages" with people along the way. In my earlier days of being single in college, my depression worsened because I felt extremely lonely, even though I was not alone. I had family, I had friends, and I had myself, yet I still felt undesirable and unworthy of affection or a bond. I was only 19 or 20 at the time, so it's easy to see how I'd come to that conclusion, but age has little to do with it. No matter what age or stage of life we find ourselves in, it can be easy to fall into sadness or isolation.
I mean c'mon, couples are everywhere! The soundtrack to our lives is filled with love ballads we grew up on. We've been groomed to take on the title of husband or wife since the moment we were welcomed into this world. Relationships with others—even outside romantic context—have always been at the forefront of our upbringing and rearing. Unfortunately, because of this, the 'hows' and 'whys' of loving ourselves, by ourselves, gets pushed to the back of the line.
Too often, many of us aren't taught how to fall in love with ourselves.
This world can be evil and cold. It'll point out the one thing you did wrong whilst ignoring the 100 things you did right. We're too this or too that, not enough this or not enough that. And as these things have been played in the background, in the back of our minds for our entire lives, we can often find ourselves struggling to combat the negativity and lack of love. Sure, we can punch and swing all we want, but without the right tools, without the training and practice needed to rise up and face this world, we're fighting a losing battle.
It's taken 8 years for this to stick. My parents gave me the necessary tools to combat loneliness and feeling inadequate due to circumstance, but I've always had trouble applying what I'd been taught. I knew that I was worthy, but I still didn't quite *feel* that way. It's hard to explain...
I don't know...but that's okay. It's okay to not know.
What I do know is this: Each day away from others has been a day spent with myself.
Brainstorming, meditating, crying, dancing, laughing, screaming—all of it belongs to me.
Being in my own head for too long has proven to be a setback for me when gone unchecked, but when I'm able to not overthink things, when I'm able to just sit with myself and the things *I* enjoy, being in my own head is a peaceful. It's refuge from the world and all the things it says, all it's done. It's like falling into myself, floating in an ocean of my own thoughts and dreams and ideas—an ocean that embraces me the way I deserve to be embraced; only we know the best way to love ourselves.
I won't be single forever (unless God has other plans), but I hope I remember how it feels to be single, even when I'm not. I want to remember how it feels to rely solely on myself for validation, know myself for better or worse, desire to keep learning about myself, keep figuring me out. Being surrounded by nothing but myself—my vibe, my spirit, my essence—is such a dope feeling! Maybe because I'm finally realizing how dope *I* truly am. Though things will change and I"ll continue to evolve, I want this part of me to stick around forever. Because I'll always belong to me, even when I belong to someone else.
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