One of my greatest weapons and greatest setbacks is that I'm often times underestimated, even by myself. It's not my fault, really. I look at least five years younger than I really am (and that's being generous because I still get mistaken for a high school student at the age of 26). I grew up in small-town America away from the buzz of the big city and the "real world"—Bloomington/Normal, IL of all places, where corn is king and people drive their tractors through town like it's a Hummer or something. I also have sort of a bubbly, energetic personality and prefer positivity to pessimism as a default, which can come off as "kiddish" or "naïveté". All of these are facts, and all of these are not within my control, yet all of these contribute to why and how people have counted me out my whole life.
Don't get me wrong. It's not like people thought I wouldn't amount to anything or that I would end up somewhere I shouldn't doing God knows what, but people stay ready to assume I'm "not ready" for the things I desire in life. I've always had "more to learn" or "more experience to gain" whenever it came time to level up. Be it career, education, personal endeavors—whatever. Someone has always been there to tell me "wait" or "not now" as I attempt to climb into my destiny or the next chapter or phase of my life.
And the people who so happened to think these things of me have always been gatekeepers: teachers, bosses, committee members, directors. These people have been the bouncers at the door telling me to try again next time.
It's taken me a while, but I've finally realized that though these people might have turned me away from an opportunity or aspiration or dream, there are so many others who didn't get to tell me no. And ya know why? Because I'd already told myself no before they could get the chance to do so.
See, after a while, I became my own gatekeeper. I quit applying for the positions I wanted because I knew they wouldn't hire me because of my "young age and lack of experience". I took a break from submitting my writing to varying publications because I knew they'd turn it down for "not being the right fit". I even took a hiatus from writing my novel because "who would wanna read a story like anyway?". For the longest time, I didn't realize I'd internalized many peer and gatekeeper remarks, and that this in turn birthed and fueled my own imposter syndrome.
I go through waves of not feeling good enough—talented enough, pretty enough, smart enough, enough enough—so much so though that it's become my anxiety's ultimate playing card, the oldest trick in the book. My anxiety has a tendency to spin out of control when the going gets tough, and what's always the catalyst to start it all? The imposter syndrome. Feeling out of place or being made to feel beneath others has always been the beginning of the end, the thing that makes me shut down and makes it harder to get back up again. It's feeling like a fraud when you haven't even set foot through the door, or feeling like you're gonna be "found out" for not being enough when you haven't even opened your mouth to show how enough you really are.
But here's the thing...
I'm not sure when I figured this out—two years, a year, several months ago—but I realized no matter what happens, who's above me, ahead of me, "in charge" of me, one thing will always remain constant: I am my own gatekeeper.
Sure, these higher-ups might say yes or no, this or that, but at the end of the day, I'm the one who gets to decide how to feel about it AND what to do with it. I get to decide that though rejection is tough, I'm still gonna take another go at it until I break down the barriers that held me back. I get to decide that when they tell me *to my face* that I'm not enough, I'll show them just how stupid they were for letting a good thing like me go.
I decide for myself where I go, what my future holds, what my destiny is. A few closed doors and snooty-ass gatekeepers don't make my plans any more small or any less important just because they couldn't see the gifts I possess. If you ask me, they couldn't see it because they were blinded by it; that's how bright I shine.
I am admittedly in very rare form. It's rare for me to acknowledge my own greatness proudly and out loud. It's rare for me to affirm something for myself without making it sound general instead of specifically for me. And yet here we are, discussing futures and destinies on a blog post I wrote, on a platform I created, attached to a brand I built on my own, all because I had the nerve to tell myself yes when imposter syndrome and other things of this world told me no; because I had the audacity to break free.
When I choose not to underestimate myself, even when others do, I speak, write, and create things into existence that would have otherwise fallen to the wayside. When I realize that imposter syndrome is the real fraud, that I'm in fact the shit, amazing things happen.
I don't say these things to say every day is easy. As stated, I go through whole waves of feeling inadequate, followed by waves of feeling confident. I say this to say I'm realizing more and more that I really do have the power to change my own life, in spite of what others think or say. And as long as this spirit lives in this body, I'm going to get where I'm going, regardless of any dumbass who says otherwise.
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