This weekend, I embodied Olivia Pope the best way I knew how: I "handled" everything.
I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off for three days. I went from attending work and appointments to running errands and getting my hands dirty. You see, this weekend was a very busy, very significant set of days, perhaps my busiest weekend of the summer. Not only did the 6th Annual Back To School Fest take place on the south-side of Chicago (hosted by #TheTakeBack of course), my family reunion was also in full swing as well. Both required a great deal of planning and even more hands-on work to make sure they ran smoothly and were the best they could be.
And everything was taken care of. Everything and everyone, except for me.
Taking care of others is a knee-jerk response for me. If I see someone or something is lacking, I’ll rise to the occasion and do my part to get things put together. Often times, that means either doing it myself or at least attempting to tackle the situation with everything I’ve got. Because of this, there’s not always enough “me” left for me.
And with this being a fatal flaw of mine (I call it that because I know how much trouble it could potentially get me into one of these days), the events of the weekend slowly but surely came together while I slowly but surely came undone.
Friday was the beginning of my downfall. After both work and appointments had me going all day and well into the evening, I found myself flustered trying to get out to my family reunion at Camp Sullivan down in the wooded area of the south suburbs, while also gearing up to go out with my cousins that night like I’d promised. Exhausted and in a state of distress that I kept to myself, I barely scarfed down my first official meal of the day before literally running out of our rented cabin to keep up with the group.
By the next morning, Saturday, I was getting up early to run last-minute errands for the Back To School Fest, where I did hands-on work that entire morning and afternoon. #TheTakeBack is an org geared toward the youth on the south-side of Chicago, aiming to promote anti-gun violence and provide a safe space for kids to engage in peaceful play. All day, I watched and engaged kids in attendance, helped set up and take down the event, packed and distributed backpacks filled with free school supplies for the kids, and on and on and on. Though I participated in meaningful, rewarding work, the day was still work. Eventually, I was literally going up to my fellow team members and volunteers to ask, “Do you need anything?” Unfortunately, because I took care of others before myself, I ended up tired and hungry, having worked without a break and missing out on all of the food before it was eaten by attendees and volunteers. By the time I returned to my family that evening, our reunion was practically over. So, to carry my own weight and lend a hand, I ended up assisting my folks in getting everything packed up and put away before we headed out today, Sunday, instead of sitting this one out.
All of this wore heavily on my body, and also exhausted me mentally, and now it’s catching up to me. Aside from being super sore and super tired, I’m also having a hard time re-steadying myself. Maybe because I spent so much time worrying about everyone else instead of making sure I was good-to-go first? Who knows (I do, I just don't like to admit it because of...well, I'm getting to that).
Try as I may, I’m not Olivia Pope. I don’t have the energy to run around fixing people’s problems or trying not to be the problem. I can’t be on call 24/7 for the sake of others and their comfort. I don’t (currently) have the capacity or the means to meet all of my needs while also meeting the needs of others. And, at the very least, I don’t have Olivia Pope’s wardrobe. Everyone knows if you're gonna handle some shit, you better do it in a super fly overcoat and killer heals, and Lord knows my bank account won't let me live my best life in this manner.
But, there is something that Olivia and I have in common: we have a team of individuals to lean on. Our main difference? Olivia doesn’t hesitate to call on her team when she needs help; I avoid doing so.
I’m aware that I subconsciously see myself as a bother to those closest to me. That’s why I just try to handle things myself most times: because I fear getting the eye-roll or think I’m too needy or weak or not capable of standing on my own. But the thing is I know *for a fact* that there’s no need to “stand on my own” when I have teams of people, both family and friends, who are more than willing to help me stand tall. I wouldn’t hesitate to help these people if they ever needed me, and these folks are standing by to help me when I’m in need as well.
So that means one thing: I feel exhausted and emptied because I haven’t allowed anyone to fill me up. Though the Back to School Fest wiped me out, it didn’t have to. Instead of trying to complete my tasks myself, I should have delegated like Olivia Pope, taken more breaks, fed myself as I fed others, done both instead of either-or. I should’ve been vocal with my family today as we packed everything away, let them know that my body hurts and my head is all over the place and I just wanna cry about it. I’ve been wiped out for days and they shouldn’t have had to guess how I was feeling. If I were more vocal, maybe I wouldn’t be hurting as badly as I am now. These are folks I'm supposed to be able to be vulnerable around, but because I already feel extremely vulnerable, I put in double the work to make sure I don't look extremely vulnerable as well. You might call it "pride". I call it "not wanting to shine a spotlight on the things I lack or the things that incapacitate me or the things that make me different, especially not in front of of 30+ of my closest family members". Either way, no matter what we call it, we would both be right.
I’m a human being. I'm not a deity or this exceptional example of achievement. I'm not even Olivia Pope.
I'm just Briana.
I'm a human, young woman and I'm trying to figure this shit out and it's super hard, man.
I don’t like to be considered "strong" for fear that I’ll have to take on more than I’m able to, and I don’t like to be seen as dependent because I truly do want to pull my own weight and be as helpful as I can to others. I just need to figure out how best to communicate my unique dilemma to those closest to me, for my own sake. It’s gonna take a while, but that’s how growth goes; time makes growth stick. I’ll get there, eventually.
Just not today.
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