You heard me. I leveled up, y'all! After MONTHS of searching and failing and waiting, I've finally found a job in my field that works for me. Like, literally works for me. And it's beyond surreal!
I'll be working as an Internal Writer for a popular job board site (check my social media for clues) where I'll be writing articles that teach about professional development—how to write a resume, how to have a successful interview, examples showing how to write a professional email, etc. This means I'll be writing about things that actually help people, rather than writing tag lines for Groupon about random nail salons that don't even have a working Facebook page (no shade, just honesty). AND, this position is 100% work-from-home, which will allow me the freedom and flexibility to manage my health concerns and thrive in an environment (or environments) that align best with those needs.
And y'all, I ain't gonna tell all of my business, BUT, my pay grade is going up too. Significantly, might I add! I've always had value; I just didn't have the pay to match. But now, I finally do.
This is not a drill! I have FINALLY been blessed with a remote, writing position that pays me what I'm worth and gives me the flexibility to manage my time, health, and happiness. I legit have exactly what I've been praying these past few years.
And because of this, I'm scared out of my mind.
I'm scared, dammit. I admit it.
Because change is scary, y'all. No matter what it is, how big or small, the significance or relevance, change is uncomfortable. It's messy and tricky and involves a lot of confusion and trial and error and it sends my anxiety through the roof (as you've probably guessed by now). Instead of being excited for these big moves I'm making, I'm busy being anxious about what these big moves mean for me.
It means less human interaction. It means trying to manage an entirely different, ever-changing routine. It means new writing, new season, new processing—new everything.
I think I'm mainly anxious because so many things are at stake here. Though my current job has been the best position I've ever had—along with the best work environment, team, the best everything, really—it's slowly taken a toll on my health. My theory is that though I don't mind my job, I am not passionate about it. And that, along with the pressure of it all, put too much stress on me mentally. And where the mind goes, the body follows. So look: it's not that my current job is making my health worse. It just sure as hell isn't helping.
My fear has kept me at this job. My anxiety is what kept this job search process moving at a tortoise's pace. My health kept me hopeless about finding a job who'd accommodate me. Life kept me depressed. All of these things set me back, but at the end of the day, *I* was the one who held my own self back.
Another reason I'm terrified: I am now in control of my own career.
If I succeed, it's on me. But if I fail, it's also on me. I'm a human being filled with errors and flaws and negative habits and tendencies. So that, along with the many things I'm already struggling with, make me fearful that I'll royally fuck this up for myself.
I'm concerned everything will go wrong because of me. I fear that I won't be able to keep up with the work load, that I won't be good enough to keep up. I'm anxious that this huge leap I took will end in a fiery blaze.
And I'm going for it anyway.
I'm a scardy-cat. I scare easy. Anxiety, depression, and health are always waiting around to jump me the first chance they get. But I'm going for it anyway.
I've gotta live my life, y'all. I've gotta get out of my own way, act in spite of my fears, take that leap of faith in spite of my circumstances, and find confidence in knowing that eventually, I'll fly.
This is an amazing opportunity for me, a true display of faith and favor, and I'll be put in the ground before I let myself destroy my own opportunities. The devil and his imps already do that for free.
So just know, I live anxiously every day, but get up in spite of that. This will be no different. I'm gonna kill it. The devil can either get out of my way or catch this fade.
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