I don't wanna. I get like this sometimes. My motivation and will to do anything just leaves me.
And I'm left on the couch, not doing a damn thing, because I don't feel like it.
It could be because I'm sick. Maybe because I'm in a lot of pain. Or perhaps, maybe I just have a case of the Mondays.
Either way, I don't feel like it.
I don't suspect it was a case of the Mondays, though. See, I felt this way yesterday, and the day before that. And the week, the month, even the year before that. I've felt this way for a while, my motivation and will coming and going when they please, leaving me to fight EXTREMELY hard to do things like work or pay bills or leave the house or leave my bed or speak to anyone
Because I don't feel like it.
I really be trying to keep it together, y'all. I do my best to take care of myself and Audrey, make sure the people in my life are good, try to find some bit of a silver lining even when life sends cloud after cloud to rain on me. I fight every day to place my feet on the ground and get going, get moving, get some fresh air, get some sunlight.
But even on days when this would benefit me most, sometimes, I still don't feel like it.
This is one of those days. I just came here to say that. I love writing, but I don't feel like it sometimes. I love to be productive, but I feel like can't be all the time. I wanna feel good about myself, but the things I use to make that happen, the things I do to make me feel better, sometimes just don't happen. Because even then, I just don't feel like it.
This is what depression is, I guess. It's this funk you get trapped in, and you sometimes find your way out, but you always end up right back where you started, at the bottom of that depressive pit. It's like your fall to the bottom broke every motivational bone in your body, and you just don't have it in you to pull yourself out again.
But you do, eventually. Soon, your motivation grows back and you eventually make your way out again. You just don't how or why you always end up back there. Sometimes you fall in. Sometimes you're thrown in. Sometimes you wake up there. Other times, you jump. But no matter what, once you're there, you don't feel like getting back up.
Y'all, I made the choice to write today. I made the choice, without much motivation, to keep putting in the work, to run through the finish line, and it was so hard. Because everything inside of me told me to stay down, steady myself, not to make the wrong move. But I made a move anyway. I'm still in the pit, but I'm climbing my way out. I'm doing all of this with hopes of one day never having to do it again. I'm doing all of this in spite of not feeling like it, so hopefully, I can never not feel like it, ever again.
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