This past week made 100 days of quarantine for me. It doesn't quite feel like it, though. Cliche as it may sound, it feels like this time passed could have been a lifetime or so ago. It's made up of large amounts of time that I can't account for, multiple moments both small and large that I can't recall. I truly can't remember most of it.
I'm not surprised, and I won't hold it against myself that I can't recall most of my days in quarantine. I realize that memory loss is a normal response to trauma, and a pandemic-epidemic combo is as traumatic as it gets (hopefully).
Still, there are days I do remember, both good and bad, that have defined my overall experience living through this pandemic for 100 days—days that involve masking and covering up just to go to the grocery store, or showing up the moment the store opens just to get toilet paper. No matter what challenges I've faced, they've all involved ducking and dodging the people around me just to stay six feet apart. That led to avoiding eye contact, and then avoiding people and going outside altogether. Because of this, most of my days have involved staying inside, avoiding outside, and losing physical contact with just about everyone in my life for the sake of our public health. Tough stuff.
There've been few, but there have been good moments, too. Reassurance from strangers on the street and loved ones alive have helped me in moments of uncertainty. Kind essential workers truly don't know the positive impact they have had on me; the one or two in-person interactions I experienced per week we with essential workers. And I even created moments where I was able to experience my own happiness (putting up Christmas lights to brighten up my place, for example). These small treasures kept me going.
But above all, whether most moments are remembered or forgotten, one thing remains the same: I have yet to forget how these past 100+ days have made me feel.
I'll admit it: I've been absolutely terrified, and for good reason. I've been on edge with my guard up since before quarantine was official. I've even had moments of intense hopelessness, both with the rising COVID cases and the unrest due to continuous injustice. Mainly, I've been depressed and overwhelmed as I've tried to navigate this virus-riddled world. But, my feelings haven't been all bad (even if they've been bad for the most part).
I've experienced moments of happiness too, even in the midst of the chaos. Through community efforts and local movements, I've had moments of hope for a better future, even if those moments were brief. Both pride and joy have held a valuable place in this month as I continue to celebrate my Blackness with my brothers and sisters. And even in a grim reality like this, I have been able to rely on nostalgia to revisit times before these when there wasn't a deadly virus to worry about.
I can't say whether I've come out on top after 100 days, but I can say that I am definitely 100 days more prepared for what lies ahead of us than I was before. I may be 100 days more tired, stressed, and anxious as well, but I am also 100 days more experienced, resilient, survived. And I'll survive for another 100 days if that's what it takes. Either way, I'm determined to see it.
Don't forget to check out last week's YouTube video, "JUNETEENTH Acronym!". Also, to further support, please visit my Patreon account. Thanks for reading and watching!
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